To The Girl Who Loved Me Before

 

Ran into you yesterday, or rather, spotted you across the street from me. You were going into the Starbucks on the corner of 7^th Ave and 5^th. You were with your friend, Chesca I think; I never could remember her name. I have to say that it was a surprise seeing you; it hit me hard and that was an even bigger surprise. It’s been over two years since we last saw and to tell the truth, I never really thought about you that much in that time.

Yeah, you ran across my mind from time to time, you know, when I came across mutual acquaintances or our former co-workers. One or two of them might have even asked after you, and I probably said something generic like that you were probably doing fine, settling in into school and all that. I remember thinking of you the last time I was at the Analog Coffee at the Core. I remembered our conversation while we were waiting in line, something about how you loved the sweater the barrister was wearing because yellow was your favorite color. But apart from those few occasions, I didn’t really think about you, and I didn’t feel too bad about how we parted ways. I mean, it wasn’t anyone’s fault things didn’t work out, and you know, that’s just par for the course, that’s life. We meet one day and part the next, move on to the next phase.

But then I saw you yesterday and it hit me. Hard. It wasn’t because you looked really good since the last time I saw you, which you most definitely did. I don’t know if it was because you had somehow evolved from the sweet and quiet girl I met back then, or if you’ve always exuded that magnetism and I just never noticed it. Maybe it was that Grad school really suited you and you’re thriving, and you were simply projecting that aura of wellbeing and confidence. Maybe it is that you’re happy and content now, and that is the source of the glow you had around you. I’m not sure what it was exactly, but what I do know is that you looked really good.

I crossed the street on a whim, and went into the Starbucks after you and Cheeta? I never really paid much attention to you or your friends back then, so I’m embarrassed to say I have no idea what her name is. I wonder what else about you I must have missed simply because I wasn’t paying attention. Simply because I wasn’t interested, and so I blanked most of everything that had to do with you.

I watched you order a Roiboos latte and then another memory hit me; that was your absolute favorite! On its heels was the little nugget of info that you don’t drink coffee because you love it way too much and could never stop at the first cup. Or the 20^th for that matter. I started to smile at the memory of you explaining to me why you settled for sniffing coffee instead of drinking it, when I caught the barista flirting with you. I couldn’t hear what he was saying but I saw the look he gave you, and the way your right hand went to your ear told me that the shy little half-smile was tugging at your lips and that you were blushing. How many times did I see that gesture and was impatient and somewhat irritated by it? I knew it had meant that you had a crush on me and I didn’t have time for silly crushes. I still don’t. Then why was I upset with the barrister for flirting so unabashedly and for looking pleased with his good-looking self when he saw that sweet half-smile?

I asked myself why I was lurking in the entrance to a Starbucks like some psycho stalker, spying on the oblivious girl in the pretty mustard-yellow sweater, whom I wasn’t even remotely interested in. I wondered why I was upset when you spent an inordinate amount of time at that counter, chatting with the barista. I was confused about how I felt when it crossed my mind that you’re not with me, because I never wanted you to be; I told you as much two years ago when you told me you had feelings for me.

I'm wondering if I was mean to you back then, maybe a little curt when it seemed you were getting your wires crossed, misinterpreting my politeness for something more. I hope I at least let you down easy. I hope I wasn't too much of a jerk.

When you and Cheryl left the coffee shop, you passed within touching distance of me. I almost called out your name then, almost stopped you to say hello, catch up with you and see how you're doing. But I didn't. It just didn't feel right.  I guess I felt I'd lost that right.

But it was good to see you looking so well, looking like you were happy and fulfilled. Because I know it's what you deserve. I know now that it's what I want for you.