This song, for me, is simply the song for the season! I fell in love with it in a really funny way. Back in 2005 I think, Cool fm always played it in the middle of the night (I think it was Kaffy’s show) n ‘cos I always slept with the radio on, I would wake up with this feeling and then just catch the end of the song. I can’t really describe the feeling, like I’d just had a really nice dream, and this was before I even knew what song it was, who sang it or what the song even said. It just always had this sweet, calming effect on me. I could have bet a million bucks it was a love song! ;D So I did the typical Tope thing, I chased the song down and we hence began our love affair…
One of my bestest memories of it is me sitting in the passenger seat of Yetunde Ayinde’s car with ‘Detayo in the driver’s seat while waiting for Yetunde to drop something off at someone’s house, and then hearing the song come up on the radio. I really heard the words then and they made me cry ‘cos that was the time when well, I was going through a really bad triangle time. Now, when I hear the song, it reminds me not of those bad times but of ‘Detayo in a very vivid way and it brings tears of a different kind to my eyes….
Imagine me
Loving what I see
When the mirror looks at me…
I used to hate mirrors, not just ‘cos of the superstition that if you look into a mirror when lightning strikes, your face’ll get all old and wrinkly (as in really?!!!), but ‘cos I never really, well, liked what I saw. I didn’t like my nose ‘cos I thought it was too big (I still think it is!) and my eyes were funny and I had loads of pimples…the list goes on. Then came a time when I couldn’t bear to look myself in the eyes, when I couldn’t bear to face myself. Loving what I saw on the surface and beneath it, sounded impossible. These days, I still might not like all the things I see (did I mention that my nose is still waaaaay too big?!), but the good thing is I’m looking, I’m not running away from me anymore (at least, not all of the time) and I’m beginning to learn to love me and to deal with the un-loveable bits.
In a place
With no insecurities,
And I’m finally happy…
Gosh! Thinking about it makes me feel like omo, even if wishes were horses…I had too many of them and dunno, it felt like I always would. And there were so many times I used to wonder if happiness was made for some of us. Now I’ve learnt that happiness isn’t sort of like a destination but a state of being. You don’t work sooo hard doing sooo much to be happy but you learn how to take joy in the little and big moments of life. Even when your world is going up-side-down, you can still find you inner peace. I know I’m not making so much sense, my thoughts are all over the place and writing right now feels as scattered as my thoughts, but I’ll steal a saying I came across somewhere: Peace isn’t the absence of trouble but being still within the storm. I know I still have a few of my insecurities (errr, maybe more than just a few) and maybe I’ll discover a new one each day. The difference is that I’m learning to take them on and deal with them, rather than be defeated by them. The road might be long and I know the fights ahead are tough, but at least, I’m fighting. I might not be shrieking with laughter and I might have more teary days than dry ones, but I’m not going to let me sink beneath them. Imagine a place with no insecurities, a place where I’m happy. I know I’m gonna get there, one tiny step at a time. The one thing that’s kept me going, even when everything else fails, even in my worst moments, is the fact that there’s Someone Who never gives up on me…
Saying “No!”
To thoughts that try to control me,
Remembering all You told me…
I miss the girl I used to be. Sometimes I have flashes of memory. Sometimes I come across old diaries, old letters, stuff I wrote and I remember how it used to be and I find myself wondering what happened to that girl. I wonder where she went and who the stranger I live with is. A part of me knows when I lost her even if I can’t explain how or why it happened. A part of me wonders what I could have done differently, how I could have stopped the things that broke her and took her away. I find myself wondering if and when she’ll be back. I find myself longing and yearning for her, praying for this phase to be gone. A part of me fears she’ll never be back again…
I miss the woman I could have been. Looking back on the dreams I had, the plans I made, how I was gonna take the world by a storm for You, the fires that burned in my bones, the passion, the attention I paid to detail, how meticulous I was’ the things I thought I knew I could do! he once told me I would be the best ever! Then I had to get fixed cos there was no broken between U and S…well, like they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. In that case, it’s time to throw the good intentions out the window! And good riddance too! Time to get some real work done, enough talking, enough itentioning, time for some doing! If I can’t get the girl I used to be back, if I can’t be the woman I could have been, then I’ll be the woman He wants me to be…
Imagine me,
Being free, trusting You totally,
…it was hard to see You being in love with someone like me…
Sometimes it’s hard, really hard, especially on those days that I don’t have any explanations for the sad, those days that I don’t have any answers, those days that it all don’t make sense, those days that life seems to throw His words right in your face, mock you with them. It’s so hard to hear or see or feel Him, it’s hard to even remember what you believe, it’s hard to believe what you believe. But someone once told me that trust is holding on even when there seems to be nothing to hold on to. You grab a fistful of air and hang on for dear life. Trust is when the things around you say otherwise, trust is holding on when there aren’t any solid rocks or any thundering voices or any rushing winds or any awesomeness to see, trust is grasping the fringe of that hem even when you’re in your deepest and darkest hole.
…glad I have another chance…
Letting go of my past
…don’t have to read that page again…
There are so many pages I wish I could erase, so many pages I wish I’d never written cos no matter what I did, I would always have those pages right before me, I would always remember. And you know, there are those situations where no matter what you did, you always end up losing! Well, I’ve come to realise that even if I can’t blot some memories out, I can learn to look at scars without opening up the wounds again. I can learn to make peace with the past and not let it dictate the path the future will take. I can look back on my mistakes without beating myself up. I can learn to appreciate the light from memories of the dark days.
I really love this song! It’s a song of hope, a rebirth, new life. I really don't know how to put my scattered thoughts down, the words keep escaping me! It’s one of the few songs that haven’t faded with the seasons (I errr usually have seasons with almost everything! I might go crazy over a song for weeks or even months and then one day, I just can’t stand to hear it!) and with each season of my life, it makes me reflect and literally pull myself up by my boot strings and helps me keep going. I have quite a number of ‘ever green’ songs that do it for me, but like I said, this one is the song for the season for me (even though it’s not a Christmassy song). Another year has rolled out and it’s had its fair share of up’s and down’s (maybe a lot more of one than the other) but through it all, I can honestly sit and imagine me…
'Cos it’s all gone!
