Why won't you just leave me be?!
why is it that everytime I try to break away,
you come after me and hold on tight!
yet, you have nothing to offer me but pain!
what is this obsession with me anyway?
It's like you need me to survive,
but you drain the life out of me!
My pain is your gain;
My death is your rising;
You were meant to ruin my life,
while I save yours.
I know I should break away from this sick relationship,
this madness,
this misery,
but how do I if you won't let me go?!
You say you love me,
and maybe in your own twisted way, you really do,
but this love is killing me,
painful bit by painful bit,
it's sucking away my essence,
taking everything from me.
Hope is gone,
Faith is lost,
there's no reason to go on any longer,
Life has lost its meaning,
they say Love sometimes hurt,
but this is hell!
why are you doing this?!
why do you want to destroy what little is left?
Isn't it enough that you have broken me?!
Is the satisfaction of knowing you have the power to hurt me like no one else not enough for you?!
will you hold on, keeping your claws in me till there is nothing else left?
knowing you, you won't give me the pleasure of dying,
you won't let me go, even to the hands of death,
you'll keep me alive just enough to keep on feeling the pain,
just enough to keep on dying,
just enough for you to have your emotional slave,
No, you're not merciful enough to let me die,
No, that wouldn't do, will it?
No, you'll rather have me in this place,
loving me,
destroying me,
ruining me,
killing me,
never letting go...
Hmmmnnnn, wrote this an age ago, at a really, really bad time...
good thing is I can read this now, look back at that time and smile 'cos the little humming bird broke free and learnt to fly...
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
...Loving You...
Hmmmnnn, found something on face book hug me of all places! It said:
'A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man would need to seek Him to find her ...'
That made so much sense!
Really, it would take one learning to love God to be able to love someone else...you have to learn to appreciate the Giver before you can see the true value of the gift...
That's a big discovery if you've been on the giving end for so long and you've emptied yourself out and you feel like you have nothing else to offer and if you have no experience whatsoever receiving love. HHmmmmnnnnn, you can just sit back, relax and let God take care of you and the gift too. Very cool!!! :) :D :)
'A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man would need to seek Him to find her ...'
That made so much sense!
Really, it would take one learning to love God to be able to love someone else...you have to learn to appreciate the Giver before you can see the true value of the gift...
That's a big discovery if you've been on the giving end for so long and you've emptied yourself out and you feel like you have nothing else to offer and if you have no experience whatsoever receiving love. HHmmmmnnnnn, you can just sit back, relax and let God take care of you and the gift too. Very cool!!! :) :D :)
...how do you catch the wind and keep it down?!
Why am I having this feeling, like I'm not really here?! It feels like I'm kinda floating just above the surface. I dnt really feel like my mind's at work ryt now. Well, that's bad in itself (my boss had better not get wind of it!), but it's even worse cos I'm not sure of where my mind really is! It's not at home, it's not in the past tinking of some experience, it's not in the future, dreaming of some fantasy, it's not on some crazy idea cooking, it's not on some new story taking form, I can't seem to locate it! I just keep felling like I'm floating above everything and everyone and its like my emotions too are half as intense as they should be, at least as they usually are. So, Tope is floating around like Casper! cool!!! lol!!!
Hmmmnnnn, as usual, my life has been somewhat crazy!!! and Tope has the guts to just float around all the craziness!!! it's like watching a not so gud movie and then snoozing off on it while the sights and sounds play on in ur sub-conscious. So, Eidhoven sent me bad news, due to no fault of mine. Mum would be so, so relieved, and I'm disappointed (I know I am, even if I'm not feeling so much ryt now) cos I met all their criteria (and even beat dm hands down), applied ages before and all, it had to be a silly skirmish btwn dm and british council (of wch, BC is much too tite to mk such mistakes) dt ruined all my well laid out plans!!! maybe its a gud tn i'm floating cos dt news alone wld av crushed me and i dunno aw i wld av handled it.....
So, it's Brunnel or noffing ds year...hmmmnnn. well, lemme look on the bright side, uk's just 12 months, and with Dimps in the picture, all my plans HAVE to change!!!!! cant imagine going away for 2 years now, not to talk of not coming back at all!!!! Now I've just got to get a hold of Tope and bring her ryt back here so I can get to tink and make new plans...trouble is, she's like a silly, naughty child and won't make catching her easy! Talk about trying to catch the wind!!!! :(
Hmmmnnnn, as usual, my life has been somewhat crazy!!! and Tope has the guts to just float around all the craziness!!! it's like watching a not so gud movie and then snoozing off on it while the sights and sounds play on in ur sub-conscious. So, Eidhoven sent me bad news, due to no fault of mine. Mum would be so, so relieved, and I'm disappointed (I know I am, even if I'm not feeling so much ryt now) cos I met all their criteria (and even beat dm hands down), applied ages before and all, it had to be a silly skirmish btwn dm and british council (of wch, BC is much too tite to mk such mistakes) dt ruined all my well laid out plans!!! maybe its a gud tn i'm floating cos dt news alone wld av crushed me and i dunno aw i wld av handled it.....
So, it's Brunnel or noffing ds year...hmmmnnn. well, lemme look on the bright side, uk's just 12 months, and with Dimps in the picture, all my plans HAVE to change!!!!! cant imagine going away for 2 years now, not to talk of not coming back at all!!!! Now I've just got to get a hold of Tope and bring her ryt back here so I can get to tink and make new plans...trouble is, she's like a silly, naughty child and won't make catching her easy! Talk about trying to catch the wind!!!! :(
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
All we ever had was a lie...
All we ever had was a lie....
..how do you loose someone who was never yours?
I wonder what went wrong,
How it all went wrong.
One moment you were here
And the next you were gone!
All I can remember are the echoes of those words,
"love you loads"
I guess sometimes love isn't always enough,
I can't even put my finger on the exact moment it happened,
When 'we' ended and your life with another began
How did both lives merge into each other so smoothly,
Where did one end and the other begin?!
Where did 'we' go wrong?
What happened to us?!
Was it me?
Was it the things I did?
What did I leave undone?
Or was it that I did too much,
Gave more than anyone should.
Maybe it wasn't a matter of not loving you enough,
I probably loved you too much it spoiled you,
And like a spoilt child,
You had to go in search of the glitter
Leaving behind the shattered pieces that once were my heart
Have you ever had your heart broken into a million pieces,
And then someone came along and ground them underfoot
And the wind blew away what was left of it
So you know your heart would never heal
'cos you'll never ever get all the pieces together again.
They say first cut is the deepest,
But I guess the next is worse
'cos old wounds opened hurt even more,
Especially when the knife widens and deepens it
That kind of pain keeps on hurting and never stops
'cos you wonder how you could have been so stupid again,
Cos the prince you actually thought was more man than the last
Is actually the monster you flee
First cut is the deepest
But it leaves you alive enough
For the next one to kill you...
"Trust me", you said.
"You're safe with me, you have nothing to be afraid of, I'll never hurt you..."
I wonder where all those promises went to,
If you even remember them, if you can even recall that night,
Or all the other moments that I held dear,
If they even meant anything to you at all.
I wonder if you ever think about us, if there was any 'us' for you anyway,
I wonder what you think of when I come to mind, if I ever come to mind at all.
I wonder what I ever meant to you,
Was I just another passing fancy?
Just another pretty face,
Just another conquest for your male ego
I guess I"ll never know,
I"ll never get answers to the questions,
'cos you're long gone,
like a dream that never was,
like a fflitting shadow......
..how do you loose someone who was never yours?
I wonder what went wrong,
How it all went wrong.
One moment you were here
And the next you were gone!
All I can remember are the echoes of those words,
"love you loads"
I guess sometimes love isn't always enough,
I can't even put my finger on the exact moment it happened,
When 'we' ended and your life with another began
How did both lives merge into each other so smoothly,
Where did one end and the other begin?!
Where did 'we' go wrong?
What happened to us?!
Was it me?
Was it the things I did?
What did I leave undone?
Or was it that I did too much,
Gave more than anyone should.
Maybe it wasn't a matter of not loving you enough,
I probably loved you too much it spoiled you,
And like a spoilt child,
You had to go in search of the glitter
Leaving behind the shattered pieces that once were my heart
Have you ever had your heart broken into a million pieces,
And then someone came along and ground them underfoot
And the wind blew away what was left of it
So you know your heart would never heal
'cos you'll never ever get all the pieces together again.
They say first cut is the deepest,
But I guess the next is worse
'cos old wounds opened hurt even more,
Especially when the knife widens and deepens it
That kind of pain keeps on hurting and never stops
'cos you wonder how you could have been so stupid again,
Cos the prince you actually thought was more man than the last
Is actually the monster you flee
First cut is the deepest
But it leaves you alive enough
For the next one to kill you...
"Trust me", you said.
"You're safe with me, you have nothing to be afraid of, I'll never hurt you..."
I wonder where all those promises went to,
If you even remember them, if you can even recall that night,
Or all the other moments that I held dear,
If they even meant anything to you at all.
I wonder if you ever think about us, if there was any 'us' for you anyway,
I wonder what you think of when I come to mind, if I ever come to mind at all.
I wonder what I ever meant to you,
Was I just another passing fancy?
Just another pretty face,
Just another conquest for your male ego
I guess I"ll never know,
I"ll never get answers to the questions,
'cos you're long gone,
like a dream that never was,
like a fflitting shadow......
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