Monday, August 24, 2015

The Retro Journals: Ojúolápé

04/08/2015
Little One, I promise you this one thing, we will never go through this again, ever. 
We're shedding the very last tears, we're breaking for the very last time. We might have done this a million times before, but it stops now, here, today. 

So grieve, and cry, and mend, and heal as best as you can because tomorrow we will rise up, shake off the dust, wipe off the tears, put on our face and conquer the world.

Monday, August 17, 2015

The Retro Journals: Oritsetimeyin

One of those nights that I’m up, prowling through the hours like a stalker. Can’t sleep, maybe I just don’t want to. Sometimes, I can’t see the difference. I think I’m too wound up to sleep, too much on my mind.

It’s exactly two weeks to our trip to Lagos and mummy and Fikáyò are so, so hyped about it and their excitement is infectious. I can’t help it, and I’m starting to get excited as well. They’ve mapped out this detailed and packed itinerary and I’m like it’s humanly impossible to do so much in so little time! They tried to get me involved in the planning but I’ve been too distracted. All I can think of right now is getting off that plane and finally getting to see you again after so damn long! I’m trying to imagine how it would feel to finally be able to touch your face, hold you, and when I finally let you out of my bear grip, how I would turn to mummy and Fikáyò and say “Mummy, this ‘Timeyin, my friend…” I can almost see the look that would come into mummy’s eyes and how she would size you up in a single glance. And the interrogation that would follow later ehn? Before the end of the day, she will not only have planned our wedding, but would have chosen the names of our grand children as well. Fikáyò on the other hand would never forgive me for keeping the hot, hot gist from her!

I can imagine you taking me everywhere and mummy and ‘Fikáyò never seeing my break lights for the entire trip! We will go to the movies, hold hands and steal kisses in the streets, hang out with your friends and I'll finally get to meet your mum. We'll go to this place I’ve heard so much about, Ice Cream Factory and I would gladly watch you eat both our ice creams because of my lactose intolerance. You’ll take me round Lagos and I’ll see it through your eyes and my old, vague memories will come alive with your fresh experiences, creating this beautiful fairy-tale Lasgidi I’ll hold dear in my heart for all time. I’ll discover a whole new exciting world, walk the streets of ‘Gidi in your shoes, with your voice filling my ears and I’ll click with you on a whole new level. We'll go salsa dancing at the Galleria and I’ll come watch you play Basketball. I'll probably stay up every night chatting and talking with you on the phone and then get up in the morning feeling like a grumpy grouch! I’ll most def infect you with my love of coffee. Did I tell you how much I simply love the smell of coffee beans? Ah, heavenly!!!

I would probably show up at your office to drag you out for lunch every day and they would have to tell security, “don’t let that girl in!” We would spend so much time talking about everything and nothing, or not talking at all, just enjoying each other’s company, just being together. I'll get my fill of listening to you speak, fall in love all over again with the sound of you voice and your sweet accent, we'll take loads and loads of pictures together and I'll finally get to kiss you for the very first time. There’s so much we still have to know and discover about each other, all this time away from each other has just left these huge gaps in our colorful quilt of experiences and I’m thinking about how exciting it would be to unwrap each little nugget of info about each other like mysterious little gifts..…and then when it’s time to go back home, I’ll be so sad and heartbroken because I would miss you even more than before the trip. But probably not as much as I do right now because I know none of these things is ever going to happen…

It’s been 318 days since that call. 318 days since I heard that single shot interrupt your deep baritone mid-sentence. 318 days during which I’ve wondered if you would still be alive if you hadn’t been on the phone with me at that very moment.  It’s been 318 days, more time than I had with you.

My eyes hurt from the lack of sleep, or maybe that’s from the crying. I’m not too sure. I’m putting together a time capsule with what little memories we were able to make. We never even got to take any pictures together or listen to our favourite songs sharing the same earphones or to share a pizza or go on a proper date or have a lovers’ spat. I’ll probably fill the time capsule with all these silly letters I write you, make a CD with all the songs that remind me of you, put in the card you sent me on my birthday and the three-line letter you wrote me in your chicken-scratch hand writing, dunno, everything that reminds me of you and maybe I’ll write out just one single wish….a year from now, maybe nine or ten, I hope I’ll be able to open up the capsule without coming apart all over again…

Monday, August 10, 2015

The Retro Journals - Banshee

Some woman was wailing. She’d been wailing all night. It was a shrill un-worldly sound and it sent shivers down my spine. It was the deepest, saddest, heart-breaking sound I’d ever heard and it cut through your skin, right into your mind and touched something deep inside you. It made you feel like you were looking into a deep, wounded soul, like you could feel every pain it’d ever felt. It made you wonder about the evil that lives in our world, invincible from our human eyes. It scared me, gave me the willies and I wondered for how much longer I could bear to listen to her before I lost my mind as well. I’d never thought anything could beat the cackler’s voice, but this did hands down. I knew then that I don’t belong here, in this place of muddled realities and cruel illusions, in this place of deep pain. I wanted to go home, wanted to see mama and Eric and Ron. I didn’t want to be here, listening to some lost soul relieve some private horrors. I just wanted it to stop right now, this moment. I opened my mouth to yell at her to stop and another wail went up, right out of my lungs. Then I realised I was the wailing woman.

There’s a hole in my soul
that won’t heal,
There’s a rage, and a pain
even now I still feel,
Even though I’m a man,
still I don’t understand!
But that’s what happens
When you don’t have a Father…
                           Fred Hammond

                           (The Rebirth, K. Franklin)

Saturday, August 8, 2015

The Retro Journals - Trains on a Track

170713

Today, someone jumped in front of a train at Fulham Broadway. It keeps coming back to me at unexpected moments and it makes me sad deep down, and I keep having the urgent need to cry, wail, for that lost soul who couldn’t keep off the line one more day. Dean was like “How bad does it have to be for someone to do that?!” I simply wept inside and knew that I know. I know just how easy it is to tip over that line and fall into nothingness…

Monday, August 3, 2015

The Retro Journals: The Little Mad Man Upstairs


My very first thought this morning looked like lumpy oat meal. That dull, off-white colour of utter incomprehension in those first few moments before your brain actually wakes up and the coarse feeling of having absolutely nothing in your head. I groaned and turned over, trying to shake off the confusion. That was when I saw the clock and I sprang out of bed with a yelp. My mind cleared in an instant and everything became razor sharp:
Test at nine.
Had had a burst of inspiration and stayed up till four.
Writing.
Not revising, writing.
Clock said seven-forty-eight.
Had the fastest shower in I’m-going-to-be-late-for-that-class history and dashed out the door without getting my coffee fix. Of course the District Line chose today to have a signal failure and I was stuck on platform three at Earl’s Court for close to fifteen minutes. Got off at Embankment station and ran down The Strand like a bat out of hell, all the while asking myself how I had managed to sleep through my alarm. In my defence, it really was the fault of the little mad man upstairs!
Dr. Spurgeon raised an eyebrow as I rushed into the classroom. I gave him a sheepish smile and made my way to the back of the class. All the seats at the front were filled and I had to endure the feeling of what my logical mind knew were imaginary but which my not-so-practical mind said were a million eyes on me, all the way to the far corner. I took my seat and tried to concentrate on the single sheet of paper in front of me and nothing else, actual or perceived.  
Q1. Write a pseudo-code for the RANSAC algorithm.
That was all I needed to wipe from my mind all thoughts of…

The little mad man upstairs,
My neighbour, whose little flat lies directly above me,
Whom I hardly ever get to see
Or hear from for that matter,
Until he goes into one of his mad fits!

As I hurried out of the classroom, I clumsily dropped my folder and sheets of paper flew everywhere. Adam, a course mate, gave the jumble of formula sheets and music notes a puzzled frown.
            “Are Engineers not allowed to enjoy good music?!” I snapped defensively, gathering everything in one pile and stuffing them into my hand bag. It was bad enough that my friends couldn’t seem to figure me out and thought I was weird. I didn’t need reminding. He gave me an embarrassed look, pushing his glasses up on his nose. I felt a tiny stab of guilt and smiled apologetically at him.
            “How was the test?” I asked.
He shrugged, poking at his glasses again. The gesture made him look sweet and childish, not like the genius he was.
            “It was alright. How did you do?” he asked.
            “Good I guess. Just got the last bit of the cross-relation mixed up.” I said. That was the bit I’d been revising last night before my neighbour happened.

I usually have a few days of peace and quiet
Before a bee ruffles his bonnet and he gets all hippity.
He starts to mutter and fidget at first, and then to thrash
I usually just ignore him, pretend he’s not there,
Pretend I can’t hear him, shut him out.

            “Oh.” He said and shifted from one foot to the other. And back.
I mentally shook myself and brought my mind back to our conversation.
“I’m sure you’ll do okay.” He said finally and I shrugged.
He shrugged right back. Left foot. Right foot. Glasses. Look anywhere but at me. Glasses.
            “I’ll see you around.” I said and he nodded and poked at his glasses again. He did the little jig with his feet a couple more times, like he couldn’t quite make up his mind whether to leave or stay. Or maybe he was just trying to figure out how to leave. I smiled, feeling embarrassed for the both of us.
            “Okay, bye!” I said, sounding way too bright and walked around him out the door.
I hurried down the stairs, preferring to avoid the crowd of students waiting for the elevator. On the second floor I walked towards the department of Humanities and past the Chapel. Tucked away in a corner behind the students common room was the old music room. My guess was that someone had thought the old piano was not worth the trouble when the faculty of music moved to its own building at the Waterloo Campus. I had discovered the room one day during my first semester when I’d gotten lost trying to find one of my lecture rooms. I might have a good ear for music and an eye for calculations, but give me a map and my brain gets muddled. To me, every tree and every street corner and every corridor looks exactly like the next one and I wind up lost the way a tone-deaf person sings a wrong note.
 I turned on the lights and walked to the lone shrouded figure. With a satisfied sigh, I pulled off the covers and ran my fingers over the keys. Somewhere at the back of my mind was the thought that I should have picked up a coffee on my way here. That thought conjured up my mother’s disapproving look. She never did understand my ‘unbalanced’ relationship with coffee like she liked to call it. Same way she has absolutely no idea  I write. Sorting through the sheets in my bag, I found the two pages with Satie’s Gymnopaedie. As the first few notes rang out in the empty room, my thoughts looked like a double-shot latté. The smooth creamy brown of peace and serenity, the velvety feeling of being awake and alive in every single pore of your being

Then he starts to pound and scream until I can’t bear it any longer,
Until I have no choice other than to open the little door
And let him out,
Let him come crashing down the stairs,
With all his madness,
Like a whirlwind, wreaking havoc in his wake,
Celebrating his freedom through my fingers…

I let the final notes die out, my eyes closed and I sat in the ensuing silence for a while, just enjoying the feeling for as long as I could. With a sigh, I raised my head and peeked at the clock that must have been overlooked because of how high up on the wall it hung. I realized that if I didn’t get a move on, I was going to be late for Advanced Calculus. Literally pulling myself up by the boot strings, I got up and pulled the sheet over the piano.

Like a storm flying over paper,
I pour him out, every last drop of him,
I let him run free as the words flow,
Only then can I have some peace,
Only then is it silent and serene again upstairs,
Upstairs in my head…
…until he gets mad again,
And I just have to let him loose again,
Pick up my pen…

My phone beeped and when I checked it, I saw I’d received a message from Rob.

Hey! Hope you’re fine. Don’t forget dance rehearsals at 6:30. And today’s a special treat, it’s Salsa Baby!
See you there!

Oh good. Something else to look forward to. And one more thing my mum is blissfully unaware of. I took one last look at the clock before I turned off the lights. Oh well, my coffee was going to have to wait until later. I didn’t mind one bit though. I’d had a good day so far and it could only get better because I’d had another burst of inspiration and I was already itching to put the story down…


            *                                               *                                               *

Well, I don’t usually turn up late for tests or classes and I almost never sleep through my alarm, but I do love coffee and music and calculations and dancing and a host of other things that don’t quite fit together.
I guess I read just as much fiction as academic materials even though I haven’t ever written any Sci-Fi stories. I’m not too sure of the reason for that, it’s probably a thought worth chewing on. Yes (unfortunately), people think I’m weird and half of the time, my friends can’t figure me out. I do stay up late at night when I get a story in my head because I’m usually at my best at night and I wrote ‘The Little Mad Man Who Lives Upstairs’ on one of those nights. Hope you like him, I'm not so sure I do!