I've been telling myself for 3 years,
reminding myself,
singing it like a mantra,
that God never makes mistakes,
and I know without a doubt that that is so true,
but truth is,
I still don't understand!
It still feels so wrong! so un-real!
like a big, big mistake
and I'm still struggling to comprehend,
I'm still feeling dazed, still wondering just what the heck is going on!
I still want to scream at someone, demand to know why!
I still want to crawl into a hole
 'cos I feel like there was sumtn I coulda done, shoulda done,
a tiny-big part of me still carries the guilt,
still feels dt sumaw, it's my fault...
I still come up confused,
bewildered,
lost and hollow,
and the scenes still play in my mind like it was just moments ago,
and I so wished I could talk to you,
really need to...
and if given just a tiny-bitty chance,
I would swap places with you....

TYB