Baby Blues

            “You’re pregnant.”  The Lieutenant said to me matter of factly.

            “Sorry?”

            “ Urine analysis says you’re pregnant.” He gave me a look that demanded I explain myself. I stared at him dumb founded. I sure didn’t have a clue what to say. In fact, my brain was far from working at that moment. Without saying a word, I got up from the hard, plastic seat and walked out of the office in a daze. At the back of my mind was the thought that my Army career was over even before it’d started. First, I’d walked out on a senior officer without first being dismissed, and then there was the issue of the Baby. How was I going to explain that?

I brought out my phone still feeling numb. This was a call I really didn’t want to make but it had to be done. Bae’s number was on speed dial.

            “Hey Baby!”

            “You’re pregnant.” I blurted out.

            “Sorry?!”

Ah, my words exactly!

            “How is that even possible?!” I demanded.

            “Wait, what are you on about?” she asked, her confusion apparent in her voice.

            “I thought we said we were waiting! How…what’s happening!”

            “Excuse me!” she sounded affronted now. “What the hell are you talking about?”

            “The urine test came back positive!”

Positive for what exactly? I never even realized they carried out pregnancy tests. When I’d been doing my medicals, I’d just thought they would test for drugs or whatever. After going through 20 whole weeks of military training, imagine getting kicked out over a simple urine test! I have a history of kidney stones and I hadn’t wanted to take the chance that it would show up in my urine tests, so I’d asked my Girl Friend to pee in the little bottle. See where that has landed me, Baby-Daddy-to-be with a career that was DOA.

            “Wait, the urine I gave to you…”       

            “Yes Babe, it showed you’re pregnant!”

            “Err, I might have…”

            “Might have what?”

            “Well, that day when you asked for it, I crashed over at Kayode and Halima’s place.”

            “What has that got to do with anything?”

            “Well, Halima was at the Conference in Abuja and…”

I sure wasn’t liking where the story was going. Kayode is Bae’s  Best Friend from way back, like when-we-were-still-in-diapers way back.

            “Auntie Flo was around and I was still on Nuerofen-Plus then and I reckoned the codine might show up in the test. We don’t want the army thinking you’re a junkie now, do we?!”

I sure had no idea what the hell she was on about.

            “So I had to ask Kayode to give me the urine sample since Halima wasn’t around.”

            “Wait, so the urine wasn’t yours?”

            “Yeah, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you at the time. I just felt it wouldn’t matter.”

            “So, Kayode is pregnant!”

            “It sure seems like it!”

Two minutes later, she had set up a WhatsApp group chat because I definitely wanted to hear what Kayode had to say.