When I’m Crying. Not.

I wrote this as part of a competition and it was meant to be based on a popular African song. Enjoy! ;)

It is quiet in my head.

And I am afraid. Not.

You only fear for what you dread will happen.

You’re only afraid of nightmares.

I am living mine. All of them.

So the time for fear is past. My afraid is upon me.

You said “Girl, never be afraid,

Of ever, ever loving me…”

I am afraid. Not.

It is quiet in my head.

The calm before the storm.

The mockery of the demons before they wreck their havoc.

I sit still, looking with unseeing eyes into me.

I see you. I see us. Not.

I paint memories with tears. And sweat. And blood.

Of that first day and how immensely I disliked you. Or so I thought.

Your dazzling smile.

My snobbery.

Your outrageous flirting.

My treacherous heart. That wanted you as much as it loathed you.

It maddened me so! And oh, how I longed to smack that smug smile off your beautiful face!

Claw at those dreamy eyes!

Crush that mighty ego beneath my clacking heels!

It is quiet in my head.

Even though I can still hear my walls crumbling.

You pecked away at them with whispered words,

Sweet feathery strings, soothing like birdsong in the dawn.

You’re my Everything, your song sang.

You wove your spell into an intricate tapestry,

Until I danced with the faeries in the sunset.

I became Queen,

Your Queen.

It is quiet in my head.

I feel like a hurricane in slow-mo.

Suspended animation.

Frozen in time.

Nothing makes sense.

Where did it all go wrong?!

Where did us end?! How?!!!

When did your kisses become like pebbles skipping on the surface of the waters?!

Shallow. Hollow. Ghost-like. Without substance. Empty.

I want deep,

But you’re far away…

It is quiet in my head.

I feel a buzz building,

But I clamp down on it. For now.

It is a matter of time before they come undone.

Before I’m undone.

But for now, I’m calm. Not.

My heart is breaking up in pieces,

And the pain’s eating me up,

Even though I’m still alive. Just.

Alive enough to live the pain,

To be the nightmares.

I feel it.

I see it.

As you leave.

Screaming, I come awake. Not.

The nightmare continues.

Hot, white and furious anger,

Flashing bright and blinding. Like a supernova.

Dying away in one glorious burst of rage!

Then it is gone.

It leaves me drained and spent,

Panting for breath,

Wishing for death. Yours.

It is the hurt that lingers.

It gnaws deep down.

Feeds on what is left.

The vulture amongst emotions.

It brings its offspring with it,

And their offspring too,

Because it never dines alone.

It is quiet in my head.

I search for reasons. Make them up. Make them true.

You told no lies. I told them all. To me.

I say you couldn’t have!

Wouldn’t. Didn’t. That’s just crazy!

Then reality hits and I realise you already have!

You picked your things and left your key!

Snuck off into the night.

Reasons. Imagined. Made up. Believed.

Excuses.

I say I know why you had to.

I understand. Not.

It is quiet in my head.

And every door is slamming in my face.

And my ears are ringing from their report.

And I can almost not hear my heart breaking underneath all that noise!

My demons mock me still.

And my tears too.

Frozen within me.

They defy me. They won’t come. Can’t.

Bibánké,  k’ó kún bàsíà!^* Not.

It is quiet in my head.

I watch patiently. And wait.

The steady rhythm of your breathing calms me.

 Hypnotic.  Soothing. Lulling.

I pour out my treasure store of love and it surrounds you like a shield,

Protecting you from the evil that lurks,

From the ills without.

Keeps you safe and snug. For that which now runs within your veins.

And mine.

I keep my vigil over your sleeping form,

Loving you still.

It is all that keeps me going,

It is all that keeps the mad away.

I see another’s head,

In the crook of your arm, that niche that was carved out for mine.

I wonder if you love her as fiercely as you loved me.

Or was it make-believe?

Do you still sing those words I hung on to?

Is she half the fool I was?!

I paint memories with tears. And sweat. And blood.

Your tears. Your sweat. Your blood.

Mo ti f’òrò mi f’Ólúwa, kó shó o.^** Not.

It is quiet in my head. Still.

Ìwǫ, Ìwǫ nìkan şo şo^***

You’re all I think of.

You’re all I dream of.

You’re all I am.

This is my reality,

Our reality.

This is us.

Forever and for always, we were meant to be!

To walk through now and eternity,

Hand-in-hand, hearts entwined,

Princess and Knight...

 …it won’t be long now.

It is quiet in my head. Not.

They come out screaming,

Like bats unleashed straight out of hell!

There's no holding them back any longer.

It is time now.

That is why I have returned.

From those who are not.

I should never have gone in the first place,

And I will not leave you again. Ever!                 

My love surrounds you still,

Shows you the way,

Guides you home.

I take you, as I have taken me.

As I am, so you will be.

We become One again, with the rise and final fall of the plateau of your chest.

I welcome you with open arms, to The Other Side.

When I’m crying, when I’m dying…with you.

And finally, it is quiet in my head.

̴

^* When I’m crying and my tears fill a large basin

^** I rest my case in God’s Hands

^*** You, and you alone