090912 09:10

           

 ...falling in love with Him is...

...standing at the bus stop on a nippy autumn morning

and the whole world suddenly hushing up, fading into the background

and you hearing the sweet, sweet sound

of your breath being taken away....

I Don't Live Here Anymore

This place feels like a distant dream, like a fading memory. The walls seem to be dissolving right before my eyes, wispy like smoke and I’m afraid I won’t remember what it felt like, what it used to be, anymore.

Looking back to the first time I walked in the door, I wasn’t too sure about what I felt about the place, wasn’t sure about how I was meant to feel. I’d stumbled upon it quite by accident, a wrong turn at the wrong time while on my merry way somewhere, and I’d found myself here. Well, I’d said to myself, I’m just looking, no harm in stopping by. But then I lingered and the place called out to me, welcomed me with its warmth and personality. Its laughter rang out loud in my ears and I realised I’d forgotten how to laugh. Its walls were sunshine to my world reminding me of how cold it’d been. Room after room offered me sweet, warm friendship, filling up the void I never even knew was there. My feet sank into the deep, plush carpets. That spot on the sofa fit my derrière like a glove and I laid my head back, put up my feet, a warm fire roaring in the hearth before me, a hot drink in my hand, the cold outside forgotten. I was home…

We both sat like that for ages and talked long into the night, like the long lost friends that we were. A smile here, a little laugh there. Tears shared, memories relieved. We split the burdens, pacted on the secrets. Mates of heart and soul, besties forever. We talked about nothing and everything, what had been, and what was, and what would never be. It became home the way nowhere else had been and it filled every bit of me with itself. It was in my head, my bones, my mind, the air I breathed, in my very pores. I closed my eyes and drank it in deeply, the feeling of content settling over me, enveloping me, surrounding me, wrapping me up snugly…until I grew cold and started to shiver.

Even now, I’m still trying to figure out what happened, how it came to this, when the soft rounded surfaces became sharp cutting edges. How did I start to stumble down the stairs that were so familiar and trip over the floors I loved so much?! When did the songs fade and the laughter die? In my heart, I still see the roaring fire and long for home, long for what here used to be, knowing this hollow I live in now isn’t here. The silence is all I hear and I’m more lost than when I’d first missed my way and stumbled upon your threshold. The storms have raged against our walls and washed you away, washed the ambience out, leaving just dank, cold walls behind. I want to ride upon the storm after you, try to find you and bring you back. But then, I never was a good swimmer and I would drown. I know now that we both knew that some things are part of the what would never be. So now I’m shutting the door behind me, leaving the spooky, haunted house in the past, trying to find the way I’d missed in the first place and longing for home because I woke up one day and realised I don’t live here anymore…

I lied

I’m sorry, but I lied.

And I would do it all again,

And again,

And again,

Because that is what love does

I’m sorry, but I lied

When I told you I loved you.

That is so un-true!

Cos what I felt, and still feel for you

Cannot possibly be confined by words,

It is much too deep and broad and intense for words

I’m sorry, but I lied

Every time I said it was okay,

And every time I smiled and said I was fine!

Every time I painted on my face,

And let my laughter ring out.

I wanted so much for you to be happy,

So I never cared what it cost me

I’m sorry, but I lied

When I asked you to go,

When I said it didn’t matter,

When I said you could fly.

It hurt like nothing ever has a right to

And it dug a you-sized hole

That nothing else will ever fill

But I would do it all again,

And again,

And again,

Cos it’s what’s best for you...

                 

 07.12 ̴ 10.12

The Memory Of Me

            “Wakey- wakey!!!” I squealed bouncing on her bed excitedly. Nnenna groaned, pulling her duvet over her head.

“Go away!” she mumbled and I laughed out loud, pulling the duvet off her.

“Time to get up.” I said cheerfully bounding across the room to her wardrobe. I pulled it open, peering inside. I guess she realized it was easier for her to just get up than ignore me, so she sat up in bed and snoozed for a few moments, her head lolling to one side. I paused in my rummaging to look at her and the sight made my heart swell. She looked so much like a sweet little child right then and I felt like putting my arm around her to take care of her, …but plenty of time for that later, right now, we had to get a move on.

            “Nneka, it’s not even 9 o’clock yet!” she grumbled, finally getting out of bed.

            “And the whole world has moved on.” I quipped pulling out a pair of jeans. “Jeans or dress?” I asked.

            “Leemme alone joo!” she said shuffling into the bathroom and I laughed again.

“Who asked you to stay up till 4 o’clock in the bloody a.m.?” I asked tossing the jeans aside and digging deeper into the wardrobe. She would moan later about the mess I was making but bless her heart, she would clean it up as well.

            “5:30!” she called out around a mouthful of tooth paste.

            “Whatever! Next time, you’ll go to bed on time.” I replied.

Well, to tell the truth, I wasn’t complaining that she’d stayed up half the night cos it meant that there was a new crazy story for me to read. Whenever Nnenna had one of her insomnia bouts, she really gets creative and gets these crazy ideas in her head, plus she has a canny way of putting her ideas down on paper. I often told her she’ll be a famous writer one day but as always, she never listens to anything I say! Well, lucky me cos I get to read everything she writes first hand, that’s even better than getting an autograph, right?

After deciding on what we would wear, I poked my head into the bathroom to make sure she wasn’t snoozing again. Nnenna wasn’t a morning person and was never fully awake before 11. One of the down sides of being a famous author-to-be. I joined her in front of the mirror and stared at our reflections. We were sisters and even though we weren’t totally identical, we still had a great deal in common and people still have a difficult time remembering who was who. I smiled at her in the mirror and put my head on her shoulder.

            Sisters forever?

She put her head against mine and put her arm around me.

            “Sisters forever…” she replied, sealing the precious moment.

By the time she got out of the bathroom, I had her first cup of coffee ready. She was like a junkie without a fix before her first cup and the day never really started for her without it.

            “Ah bless! What would I do without you?” she asked as she inhaled the smell of the coffee.

            “Nothing!” I said even though I wasn’t really sure she was referring to me or the coffee. “That’s why we’re a team!” I continued and she giggled.

            “In your mind now.” she said taking her first sip and smacking her lips in appreciation.

We both finally got dressed and left home. First stop was at a Pret outlet to get her second cup of coffee and a pack of their yoghurt-covered cranberries for me. She wasn’t the only one who needed a fix. Next stop was a two-hour class at 11. Nnenna made a bee line for a second row seat while I lingered about three seats behind her. From my vantage point in the room, I was close enough to get a scoop of all the action in the class yet far enough away from the lecturer’s radar and all the efficos of the class. Five minutes into the class, I watched Nnenna start to battle fatigue and I felt a pang of guilt. Maybe I should have let her have another half hour of sleep and then taken the tube instead of the bus. I tried to squelch the guilty feeling by sending paper planes sailing around the class. When my victims looked around, trying to figure out who the culprit was, I put on my it-wasn’t-me face. What can a girl do?! The class was boring!

On the heels of that lecture, Nnenna had a meeting with her Tutor. I spent the hour reading her latest story and at the end of it, I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry! Silly child! Trust her to come up with the most hilarious scenarios! By the time she came out of the meeting, she looked like a cross-eyed zombie.

            “Time to get some food into you!” I said dragging her towards the lifts. We went on to the cafeteria on the mezzanine level where my dearest Nnenna, for all her moaning about being tired and hungry, ordered two bananas, an apple and an extra-large piece of double choc cake. And another coffee of course! I’m like make up your mind girl! Do you wanna do healthy or junkie? I’ll never figure out how that crazy brain of hers works. As we were leaving the cafeteria, Nnenna’s phone rang.

            “Hello!” she said, then she smiled. “It’s Femi!” she mouthed to me.

Hmmmnnnn, Femi, Nnenna’s new, ahem, friend.

            “Yeah…” she said into the phone.

I danced around her excited, playfully trying to snatch the phone from her. She batted my hands away trying not to laugh.

            “Hello Femi. Helloooooo!” I sang out and she shook her head furiously.

            “Stop it!” she mouthed. “Okay, see you in a few.” She said into the phone.

I had to give it to her, the girl was pro! Her voice sounded so cool and calm, nothing like the jumble of nerves I knew she was at that moment.

            “Yay! So where is the date taking place?” I asked as soon as she got off the phone.

            “What date?” she said giving me the look.

            “Come on, fess up!” I said ignoring it. The look said I was crazy and last I checked, she was the crazy one. The product of last night’s insomnia was proof enough of that.

            “We’re just meeting for a coffee, that’s so not a date!” she replied.

            “Dhurr!!” I returned. Nenny’s got a Boyfriend! I sang skipping along beside her.

            “You’re simply impossible.” she said shaking her head at me.

            “Thank you!” I said.

            “It wasn’t a compliment.”

            “I know!” I replied smiling smugly. “So where’s the coffee-date taking place?” I persisted.

            “It’s not a date and he’s not my boyfriend! He’s only interested in reading my new article.”

            “You’re just a fish!” I retorted. “Neways, thank God I picked the dress instead of the jeans. It’s just perfect for a coffee-date.” she just rolled her eyes, obviously giving up on me.

We’d known Femi for quite some time. We’d all attended the same Primary school and then lost touch for a few years. Then we got in touch again when we started Uni. He was a year ahead of us and had graduated the year before but we all still hung out once in a while. I know Nnenna better than she knows herself (yep, yep I do!) and I caught on immediately when things started to change between them and I’m never wrong about these things! She either hasn’t realised it yet or she’s just too stubborn to admit it. You would think that with all the crazy story lines she comes up with, she would get some excitement in her life! No sir, not that silly child! That’s why she needs me to take care of her! 

He was sitting at a booth facing the door when we got to the coffee shop.

            “Nneka! Over here.” he called out and that stopped Nnenna momentarily in her tracks. It was just for a split second and I probably wouldn’t have noticed if I hadn’t experienced the same rush of emotion she did. I didn’t recover quite as quickly as she did. That’s another Nnenna trait, she was so good at masking her feelings, putting on a brave face, pretending that everything was peachy and the sky was blue. I caught up with her at the booth and slipped into the seat beside her.

            “Hey!” he said.

            “Don’t tell me that even after all this time, you still can’t tell us apart.” she said looking across the table at him.

I shot him a dirty look that said much more than her few words. For someone so good at putting words together, she usually had too little to say.

Thanks a million for the reminder! I thought, glaring at him. If looks could kill ehn?!

At least, he had the decency to look mortified.

            “I’m sorry!” he said. “Dunno, it just came out...”

Nnenna smiled, a sad little smile. “It’s alright.” She said, absently tracing the pattern on the Formica table top with her finger. “It happens all the time, people used to call us by the other’s name without even thinking about it…” she said flippantly, trying to make light of the moment.

Seeing her that way, the defeated hunch of her shoulders, the sadness on her face, knowing how hard she was trying not to cry, how hard she was trying to hold it all together, it broke my heart. I wanted so desperately to put my arms around her, comfort her, make it all go away. Femi took her hand across the table and squeezed it.

            “You still miss her.” It wasn’t a question. She nodded, looking away and a tear slipped silently down her face.

He let her grieve quietly for a few moments, silently giving her the support she needed and if I didn’t love him before, he won my heart right there and then. Finally, she looked up at him, trusting him enough to share the grief.

            “It’s been 5 years, but it still feels like yesterday…”

Yeah…I feel like I never left too…

            “I miss her so bad! There’s so much I still want to say…” she struggled for words. “I feel like it’s all unreal.”

I don’t need words love, I hear your heart…

            “It’s…I just wish I could understand…it still hurts so bad…” she finally let go and started to cry then. He came around and held her while she cried.

            “Thank you.” I said even though I knew he couldn’t hear me.

I love you too Babes, Sisters for always…