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It feels like autumn, you still have the memories of summer even though it’s not so warm anymore, it’s neither warm nor cold, it’s just there, hanging in-between. The leaves have all turned brown and have been blown from the trees, it all gets you reflective…that’s how I feel. I’m not quite cold even though I feel I should be, know I should be. Even though I know the sun’s gone, along with all the warmth and the glow and that happy, fulfilled feeling. A part of me is wondering why I’m not reacting to all this, why I’m not going through the process of grief, why I’m still so numb, so seemingly un-feeling, why I’m not breaking down! Could it be some sort of delayed reaction? But it’s been eighteen awful weeks already! Could it be that I’m getting really good at this?! I remember the very first time, I had totally shut down, couldn’t function, couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe…now I’m just going through the motions, neither sad nor happy. Fine, I shed a tear or two, buh it’s nothing compared to what I’ve felt before, how I’ve been in the past…makes me wonder when winter will finally hit or if summer will come early…

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I'm breaking up in pieces

and I don't know why

or how to put things right,

how to put me back together again

I'm not functioning anymore

I'm just going through the motions

just 'phasing' through each day

and I'm just wondering

how long I'll keep this up,

how long before I get better,

feel like me again

or how long before I'll just stop being

'cos sometimes I feel like I'm fading away

a little bit at a time

loosing me,

slipping away from reality as I knew it,

I just pray that day comes soon,

when I finally know which it'll be...

Imagine me!!

This song, for me, is simply the song for the season! I fell in love with it in a really funny way. Back in 2005 I think, Cool fm always played it in the middle of the night (I think it was Kaffy’s show) n ‘cos I always slept with the radio on, I would wake up with this feeling and then just catch the end of the song. I can’t really describe the feeling, like I’d just had a really nice dream, and this was before I even knew what song it was, who sang it or what the song even said. It just always had this sweet, calming effect on me. I could have bet a million bucks it was a love song! ;D So I did the typical Tope thing, I chased the song down and we hence began our love affair…

One of my bestest memories of it is me sitting in the passenger seat of Yetunde Ayinde’s car with ‘Detayo in the driver’s seat while waiting for Yetunde to drop something off at someone’s house, and then hearing the song come up on the radio.  I really heard the words then and they made me cry ‘cos that was the time when well, I was going through a really bad triangle time. Now, when I hear the song, it reminds me not of those bad times but of ‘Detayo in a very vivid way and it brings tears of a different kind to my eyes….

Imagine me

Loving what I see

When the mirror looks at me…

I used to hate mirrors, not just ‘cos of the superstition that if you look into a mirror when lightning strikes, your face’ll get all old and wrinkly (as in really?!!!), but ‘cos I never really, well, liked what I saw. I didn’t like my nose ‘cos I thought it was too big (I still think it is!) and my eyes were funny and I had loads of pimples…the list goes on. Then came a time when I couldn’t bear to look myself in the eyes, when I couldn’t bear to face myself. Loving what I saw on the surface and beneath it, sounded impossible. These days, I still might not like all the things I see (did I mention that my nose is still waaaaay too big?!), but the good thing is I’m looking, I’m not running away from me anymore (at least, not all of the time) and I’m beginning to learn to love me and to deal with the un-loveable bits.

In a place

With no insecurities,

And I’m finally happy…

Gosh! Thinking about it makes me feel like omo,  even if wishes were horses…I had too many of them and dunno, it felt like I always would. And there were so many times I used to wonder if happiness was made for some of us. Now I’ve learnt that happiness isn’t sort of like a destination but a state of being. You don’t work sooo hard doing sooo much to be happy but you learn how to take joy in the little and big moments of life. Even when your world is going up-side-down, you can still find you inner peace. I know I’m not making so much sense, my thoughts are all over the place and writing right now feels as scattered as my thoughts, but I’ll steal a saying I came across somewhere: Peace isn’t the absence of trouble but being still within the storm. I know I still have a few of my insecurities (errr, maybe more than just a few) and maybe I’ll discover a new one each day. The difference is that I’m learning to take them on and deal with them, rather than be defeated by them. The road might be long and I know the fights ahead are tough, but at least, I’m fighting. I might not be shrieking with laughter and I might have more teary days than dry ones, but I’m not going to let me sink beneath them. Imagine a place with no insecurities, a place where I’m happy. I know I’m gonna get there, one tiny step at a time. The one thing that’s kept me going, even when everything else fails, even in my worst moments, is the fact that there’s Someone Who never gives up on me…

Saying “No!”

To thoughts that try to control me,

Remembering all You told me…

I miss the girl I used to be. Sometimes I have flashes of memory. Sometimes I come across old diaries, old letters, stuff I wrote and I remember how it used to be and I find myself wondering what happened to that girl. I wonder where she went and who the stranger I live with is. A part of me knows when I lost her even if I can’t explain how or why it happened. A part of me wonders what I could have done differently, how I could have stopped the things that broke her and took her away. I find myself wondering if and when she’ll be back. I find myself longing and yearning for her, praying for this phase to be gone. A part of me fears she’ll never be back again…

I miss the woman I could have been. Looking back on the dreams I had, the plans I made, how I was gonna take the world by  a storm for You, the fires that burned in my bones, the passion, the attention I paid to detail, how meticulous I was’ the things I thought I knew I could do! he once told me I would be the best ever! Then I had to get fixed cos there was no broken between U and S…well, like they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. In that case, it’s time to throw the good intentions out the window! And good riddance too! Time to get some real work done, enough talking, enough itentioning, time for some doing! If I can’t get the girl I used to be back, if I can’t be the woman I could have been, then I’ll be the woman He wants me to be…

Imagine me,

Being free, trusting You totally,

…it was hard to see You being in love with someone like me…

Sometimes it’s hard, really hard, especially on those days that I don’t have any explanations for the sad, those days that I don’t have any answers, those days that it all don’t make sense, those days that life seems to throw His words right in your face, mock you with them. It’s so hard to hear or see or feel Him, it’s hard to even remember what you believe, it’s hard to believe what you believe. But someone once told me that trust is holding on even when there seems to be nothing to hold on to. You grab a fistful of air and hang on for dear life. Trust is when the things around you say otherwise, trust is holding on when there aren’t any solid rocks or any thundering voices or any rushing winds or any awesomeness to see, trust is grasping the fringe of that hem even when you’re in your deepest and darkest hole.

…glad I have another chance…

Letting go of my past

…don’t have to read that page again…

There are so many pages I wish I could erase, so many pages I wish I’d never written cos no matter what I did, I would always have those pages right before me, I would always remember. And you know, there are those situations where no matter what you did, you always end up losing! Well, I’ve come to realise that even if I can’t blot some memories out, I can learn to look at scars without opening up the wounds again. I can learn to make peace with the past and not let it dictate the path the future will take. I can look back on my mistakes without beating myself up. I can learn to appreciate the light from memories of the dark days.

I really love this song! It’s a song of hope, a rebirth, new life. I really don't know how to put my scattered thoughts down, the words keep escaping me! It’s one of the few songs that haven’t faded with the seasons (I errr usually have seasons with almost everything! I might go crazy over a song for weeks or even months and then one day, I just can’t stand to hear it!) and with each season of my life, it makes me reflect and literally pull myself up by my boot strings and helps me keep going. I have quite a number of ‘ever green’ songs that do it for me, but like I said, this one is the song for the season for me (even though it’s not a Christmassy song). Another year has rolled out and it’s had its fair share of up’s and down’s (maybe a lot more of one than the other) but through it all, I can honestly sit and imagine me…

'Cos it’s all gone!

Omo Dudu ati Omo Pupa III

Finally,

Marilyn and Sara

Break the bonds of Brotherhood.

Finally,

We remain not the same.

Thick as thieves, but worlds apart

Bonnie and Clyde

Soon will part.

We cry, then we laugh, then cry a little more.

Finally,

The wedding bells toll.

Finally,

The aso ebi will dance,

The families will gather,

Yams, and kola, and salt, and honey,

Not in Oyingbo, but in our family house!

Finally,

There will be Ida ana, momi nmo e

One face will be veiled with aso oke,

The other will look on, just another in the crowd.

Bridal shower, Hen party.

Inseparable we were, severed we are

One pea will leave the other in the pod

Because even the peas will speak different languages from now on

Eyes will see different landscapes on the same canvass,

Different citizens will inhabit minds once in sync,

There will be no more strolls through Oyingbo market,

No long talks, no laments, no reminiscing about the Queen’s city.

There will only be veils and tiaras, dress fittings and bouquets,

There will only be a march down the aisle,

A lonely stroll through the park,

There will only be singing and dancing,

There will only be silence…

I know we should be doing this together,

I wish we were doing this together like we both dreamed!

I wish we could be sisters forever,

But even though we can’t, I can’t help being happy, ecstatic!

Sometimes, I feel awful about it, but I’m walking on air!

I’m so excited and can hardly wait for the D-day,

Marilyn my dearest cousin is getting married!!!

Mon père est de soixante aujourd'hui!

Yay! Dada is 70 today and I baked him a double-choc cake! ;) #pridingmuch! Btw, he’s got a sweet tooth so 70 or not, he’ll enjoy and relish every bite of it! 

;D with MRS!!!!

Hmmmnnn, I remember his 50^th – we had a big bash  and funny enough, I remember every bit of it like it was last year n not 20 years ago. I remember what he wore (he and mum did anko n changed about twice, normal owanbe parry stuffs), I remember the cakes and how me and deejay stole into the ‘spare room’ where they were kept the night before n pinched d icing n then worried in bed all night that mum would notice and give us a good spanking! :D I remember we both wore matching dresses (hers was green n mine pink) to the church service n Baby Winchi wore the pink fluffy dress. Dunno why buh I remember so much about it vividly, I can almost hear the music blarring (mostly Ebenezer Obey, King Sunny Ade  and Orlando Owo, Dad’s favs back then). I wonder if any 8 year old should pick up so much detail and hold on to them, probably just another perk of being weird me, whatever, back to the baidei bloke!

...I wonder where BWinchi was. That's me clutching her beret n deejay was giving the camera her signature smile!

Baby Winchi finally showed up! ;p

You know, this year’s birthday was special in a funny way. When Philla and Deejay sent their cards today, we found out that they had both bought the very same card! Then Wendi’s card arrived all the way from Manchester and it was the very same card too!!! Then dad opened the card from Naomi and the one from Ara and Tomi and guess what?! All grand children had sent the same giant Happy Birthday to a special GrandPa card with the bespectacled monkey on its front! Cool huh?! Dad was so tripped about it! He said that was the best part of the whole day!!!

One of my earliest memories of dad was about age 3 or 4, my fat stubby arms wrapped around his neck, thinking smugly to myself that I could protect  him from anything! ;) yeah, super Tipsy! Right on the heels of that is the memory of him force-feeding me panadol dispersed in water when I was ill! (errr, I wonder why they didn’t invent the syrup earlier, they bursted my super Tipsy bubble!) L then I remember the trips to MtSinai Hospital n how dad was the only one who could hold us still for the injections (notto worry, super Tipsy will still protect  her dada despite all that!).

I remember being about 6 or 7, and dad sitting me in the passenger seat of his car (the Peugeot 507, reg no. LA 570 LND, I remember cos that car stuck around until I was 16 or 17!) and explaining to me how the engine managed to turn the wheels while I starred in wonder at my whine-up toy car. I was so, so awed by him n tot he was the smartest person in the whole world! I remember how we used to sing whenever he got home from work "Daddy Oyoyo! Daddy Oyoyo!” (yeah, everyone of us did that – Wendi, Philla, Deejay, Tipsy n BWinchi!) :p.  When we were little, he gave us these silly nick-names – Keredu, Katabu, can’t remember the rest! L I remember that daddy never spanked us. His signature look always did the trick! And the worst punishment?! “Go and face the wall!!!” choi, I remember the time me and deejay were squabbling as usual and he banished us to the much hated spot by the doorway. Even while there, we still continued to poke and pinch each other. Then we got tired of being there and it seemed like we stayed there for like forever! Before we knew it, everyone went to bed and daddy put out the lights in the sitting room! Unknown to us, he’d forgotten we were there and had gone off to sleep! You can bet we didn’t dare move from the spot! We forgot all about our squabble and clung to each other in the dark, crying cos we were both afraid of the dark. Wendi n Philla snuck out of the room and tried to console us from the hallway cos they didn’t dare come right out and stay with us! Finally, daddy heard all the sniffling and whispering and came out to see what was going on and he was like, why didn’t we just go on in! imagine, after hours of terror! Thinking about it still leaves me in fits of laughter! One day, me n deejay (again!) squabbled about whose turn it was to ride our little paddle car n both of us ended up squeezing into the tiny seat n got suck! We both sat there, crying our eyes out until he found us!

Dada, Philla, Deejay, Wendi n Momma - Baidei galore!!!

I remember his flower pots and birds, I can’t ever forget about the birds! We each had our own canaries n he eve taught us how to whistle to them ( I always believed the canaries understood me and that, err, I well, understood them too!!!). I always heave a sigh of contentment thinking of those lay Saturday afternoons…oh, I remember the pigeons too n how I learnt their morning song n how all my friends in primary 5 thought I was weird cos I could ‘sing’ birdsong! (if they’d only known about me n weird back then!). then there was Napoleon, mean Napoleon the pig whom dada loved so much and how hard it had been for him when Napoleon died on the 31^st of December (btw, I enjoyed eating Napoleon!!!).

with Tomi, Ara n Nai. See aw they were all sitting like gentle shildrens!!! Only  Dad can have that effect on  them!

I remember daddy’s fav glass cup with the star on it n the transparent  glass bowl that was specially for his eba! Back then, that bowl had seemed MASSIVE to me and had diminished in size over the years. I wonder what happened to them (I probably broke them! Have I mentioned that I was a clumsy kid apart from being weird?! ;D)

I remember bashing his car one time like that when he was away (thankfully, not the legendary 570!) and I wondered how I was going to tell him. The day I finally gathered the courage to tell him, the first words he said to me when he called were “Hope you’ve not bashed my car yet oh!” Even though he’d been joking, I lost my nerve and didn’t tell him until he got back home! ;) I remember telling him matter-of-factly (age 4 or so) that I was going to be an artist when I grew up! I wonder what he must have been thinking at that moment!

The memories are endless and they feel like several life-times, not just 70 years (well, the twenty-something years for which I’ve had conscious thought). It would probably take the rest of my life to finish up this blog entry (I’ll probably keep editing and adding new bits until I probably hit a word limit and then there’ll be part two…;D). there have been the times he's made me laugh, the times he's made me cry, the times he's amazed me, left me dazed with a surprise, the times he's driven me crazy (you know, sometimes, he can be so maddening and I'm like MR!!! sometimes, he's like a naughty child n I just want to give him a good shaking and tear out my hair! Now I know where the grand kids get their ways from! :p I’ve probably done my fair share of driving him crazy and sometimes, I wonder if, just if, he sees right through me and knows just how mahdt I am! ;D), how he can be so, so stubborn at times (I sooooo didn't get that from him!), the times he's burst my bubbles, the times he's fuelled my dreams on, dared me to believe in myself, dared me to challenge myself and most importantly, the times he’s believed in me....through it all, the good and the bad, I love him to bits and I would like to raise my glass to a legend, my Hero.... He taught me one of the most important lessons I've learnt in life, and that is to always hold on to what is true and honest and right no matter what. Paraphrased in Yours-Truly-Tipsy's words: If you can't beat 'em, kick their butts rather than join 'em, be unique in being different. Even if the whole world loses its integrity, I know just where to find the last man standing.

 Yo! That's me looking all sexy, posing with Dad! ;p

Omo Dudu ati Omo Pupa II

Marilyn and Sara,

48 fortnights later,

Ourselves we found again,

Meandering through the stalls of Oyingbo,

And if it was even possible,

Dudu was blacker than ever and even more beautiful

And Pupa, more fetching than ever before

Still, our songs we sang,

Of love, and hope, and dreams,

Of tears, and heart ache, and disappointments,

Of resignation,

Of determination

Even Oyingbo, dearest Oyingbo, had not changed much.

It still sang its songs around us,

Shombo still as red!

Tolotolo still as loud!

The calls?! As persistent as ever!

But we lament on,

Because not the picnics in Hyde Park,

Or the boat rides from the Embankment Pier

Have yielded the desired results

“It was so romantic!” Marilyn exclaims. “Dry white wine and long stem roses, with the sun setting behind us!”

“He had such beautiful eyes!” I gush. “They were so sincere and open.”

“Imagine, a proposal on the Thames!” Marilyn says wistfully.

“Imagine, the most beautiful of days, the most amazing man in the world!”  I gush. “ Those life altering words, I love you… the tender way he held her hands, kissed her lips, it was like watching a replay of my life!” I wonder to myself how I could have missed seeing it in the beautiful eyes.

“And then the surprise party, waiting for us back at his apartment, his wife and kids!” Marilyn shakes her fist furiously!

Alas, when it seemed we shifted our allegiances to another Brotherhood,

We received the shocking blow,

That both brotherhoods were one and same,

That a proposal and a breakup were one and same,

And boatman and pretty eyes?!

Brothers in their own way!

Peas in their own pod!

Eye catching,

Smooth talking, just like our tolotolo!

So we sojourn through this land still,

Ploughing bravely on,

Warriors who will not accept defeat,

Defending the Brotherhood till the death,

Resting not,

Till the bouquets are thrown….

Christmas came early!!! :)

The shop attendant wondered why the lady wanted to order a Christmas tree. He gave her an odd look and asked again how he could help her. Maybe he’d heard wrong the first time.

            “I want your largest Christmas tree.” She said again unfazed, bright smile still in place.

            “Well,” he replied slowly, trying to pick his words carefully. After all, the customer was always right! “I’m pretty sure we can get you a tree as big as you want but we don’t have them in stock now. You can place your order from the first week of…”

            “Oh sorry! You got me wrong!” she was still smiling.

He heaved a mental sigh of relief and returned her smile. The smile died with her next words.

            “I need a tree now, not in December!”

He was speechless for a moment. She kept smiling.

“Well… I’ll see what we can do about that. Just give me a moment.”

Time to get the manager to handle this one, whoever wanted a Christmas tree in May?!

Well, Miranda did. And it didn’t matter what anyone else thought, she was going to get the biggest tree she could possibly find and Christmas was going to be a blast, her very best ever!    ….because the doctors had said there was nothing they could do. They’d said her mother had 3, at most 4 months left.

…because they’d said chemotherapy would be futile, the chances were close to nothing, it would only make a hard journey harder.

…because her mother had decided she wanted to spend what little time she had left surrounded by her family. Make up for lost time. Make up for time to be lost. There would be no birthdays or vacations or Thanksgiving. She wouldn’t be there when the baby arrived. All the memories that would never be made, the ones that would fade with her.

Then Miranda realised that there were things she couldn’t change, things she couldn’t fight. But that which she could do was not waste the little time she had left with her mother on regrets, on past hurts, on un-resolved issues. It was time to make the memories, build bridges, tear down walls. So much to do, so little time! Call her brothers. Wrap the presents. Plan the menu. Put out the stockings. Get out the turkey baster. String up the lights. Hang the holly, tell her mother a million times in a million different ways she was loved. Oh, and the tree, a very big tree, how could she have forgotten that?! It would be the most beautiful moment ever when her mother came home finally from the hospital. Well, even if she was powerless to do anything about her mother dying, she would put the spark back in her eyes one last time. Christmas had come real early…